Missione Cinque: Don't Touch
by The Derpssassins
Summary: The derpssassins are given an important mission with firm instructions, perhaps Ezio should have chosen another team for this job.


Missione Cinque: Don't Touch

Disclaimer: I do not own Assassin's Creed. I only have partial ownership of Ottavio, Fausto, Affonso, Puppy!Ezio, Mami, Brutus, and Maximillion.

Key

Buongiorno: Good Morning

Mi dispiace: I'm sorry

Don't Touch

A fierce pounding at the door made Ottavio pull his head away from his pillow. In his half awake state he forgot his mask and he threw the door open, glaring fiercely at the person who insisted on waking the young assassin. "Ottavio! Good you're awake. The master is calling for us to do…" Fausto stared unblinking at Ottavio's face for a good minute before the blonde assassin realized what he was missing. "Ah! Sorry about that Fausto, I suppose it's too early to look at such things." Ottavio grabbed his mask and securely fastened it over the lower half of his face. "You were saying?" Fausto cleared his throat before continuing to inform his partner. "The master is calling us to his office for something. Hurry up and get ready so we can find Affonso." Ottavio nodded and grabbed his clean robes off of the bed. With everything in place the two assassins went in search of the wayward novice.

They scoured the guild and found no sign of Affonso. "Where could that novice be? We've checked all of his usual hiding places." Fausto murmured. "Perhaps he is over by the well? There are many ladies washing clothes around this time of day." Fausto looked thoughtful for a moment and then nodded in agreement. "You head over the rooftops and get him, I'll head up to the master's office and wait for you." Ottavio looked a little annoyed with the other assassin, but nodded. Once he was halfway up the side of the guild, Ottavio called down to Fausto, "Perhaps when you get over your fear of heights you can go get the novice yourself. Also, I do believe I'll be leaving your purse up here." Fausto grabbed at his belt and his purse was indeed missing from its usual spot. "Ottavio get back here with my purse! Mi Amico! Please don't leave it up there." A masked face appeared over the ledge and Ottavio dropped the purse down to his partner. "Bene. Grazie, mi amico." Fausto turned on his heel and strode purposefully into the guildhall to get their newest mission from their master.

Fausto entered the study where Ezio was looking through papers scattered across his desk. "I am here master, and my partners should be here any moment." Ezio looked up from a paper in his hand and nodded. "Buongiorno brother. How long do you think they will be?" The door swung open to reveal two young assassins bickering amongst themselves. "Oi, it's not my fault you were standing against the well and a bucket emptied on you!" Ottavio growled at the rose scented Affonso. "That's where you're wrong novice! If you hadn't surprised me then I would be dry and my hair would be standing correctly." As if to make a point Affonso ran his fingers through his hair trying to get it to stand the way it had before a bucket had upended on him. "Novice! As if! I am a higher rank than you, novice!" Ottavio looked about ready to swing a fist when Affonso whirled and pointed his finger directly into Ottavio's face, "I am _best_ assassin. Rank means nothing when you're the best."

Ezio cleared his throat stopping the rest of the argument before it could continue. He waited a moment before addressing the three before him. "I have a very important mission for you three." The three least reliable assassins watched him and nodded seriously. "I will be leaving for Monteriggioni in an hour. I require you three to keep watch on my office and make sure no one enters until I return." A wave of excitement surged through the three assassins before Ezio. "I must stress that you refrain from touching anything." In an attempt to make sure they understood Ezio repeated his instructions carefully. "No one is allowed within my office until I return and do _not touch anything._" The three young men straightened and nodded sharply, "Yes sir, Master. We won't touch anything!" Ezio nodded and left the room with a bad feeling he wasn't going to be pleased when he returned this evening.

"Alright, we'll all take turns watching the door and we'll switch shifts every hour or so. Who wants to take the first shift?" Fausto looked at the novices before him waiting for them to decide. "I, the best assassin, will take the first shift. I'm the most fit for the job anyway." Affonso smirked and settled himself right outside the door of Ezio's office. "Hardly the best assassin. You haven't even been here very long." Ottavio muttered under his breath. Affonso tugged on his beard knowing full well that it drove Ottavio nuts. With a wave of his hands Affonso effectively shooed the higher ranked men away. Once they were gone, Affonso reached into his robes and pulled out a small hand mirror and once again tried to fix his hair.

Affonso sighed dismally. "This office is at the end of a long hallway, there's absolutely no way there will be any women around to pass the time." He began to pace in the hallway hoping the hour passed swiftly. Affonso had been left to pace for about half an hour when footsteps sounded in the hall. He looked up to see a novice striding towards him with purpose. "Excuse me, I have business with the master." A surprisingly feminine voice sounded from the shadow under the hood. Affonso immediately perked up and blocked her path into the office. "Mi dispiace. The master is not in and I am under strict orders to keep everyone out. However, you certainly have _my_ attention." Affonso quirked a brow and leaned towards her slightly. "And, who might you be?" She didn't look impressed by his manly form and Affonso feigned shock. "My name is Adonis, I'm surprised you haven't heard of me. After all I am _best_ assassin." 'Adonis' struck a pose and waited for her praise. She cleared her throat, "I will speak with him later about my mission. Do you know when he will be back?" Affonso's face fell and he answered, "Unfortunately no. I do not. Try again tomorrow perhaps." She nodded and strode off with less purpose than she had coming in the hallway.

More footsteps made Affonso look up again to see Ottavio. "I'm here to relieve you of your post, novice." Affonso bristled at being called novice, but Ottavio began speaking again and cut him off. "What did Celia want?" Ottavio turned the way she had gone with a frown. "Celia, is that her name?" Ottavio nodded, "I will have to go speak with her some more. She didn't seem to fall for my charm. I will see you later when you relieve me again. Ciao." Affonso gave a short wave before following after Celia. Now left alone, Ottavio leaned against the door with a dark look on his face. This was going to be the longest hour of his life. Ottavio stood there for a few minutes before an idea struck him, Ezio would never notice if he sat in the office. Ottavio turned the knob, slipped in, and closed the door behind him. Once inside, Ottavio's curiosity became overwhelming.

Ottavio strode over to the messy desk and began looking through the papers. The only neat stack on the desk caught the masked assassin's attention. He leafed through the names until he found his own amongst the others in the brotherhood. He grinned at the amount of his pay, he didn't like to brag, but he had just gotten a raise. Curious he flipped through and found Fausto's paper and his jaw dropped. How was it even possible that Fausto made so much more money than Ottavio? Surely this was some sick joke. Fausto had to spend his money like it was nothing or he wouldn't be asking his partner for a few florins here and there. Ottavio dropped the papers in disgust. He looked through the drawers on the desk not expecting to find anything of interest.

The masked assassin's brows rose in surprise when a ball-like object about the size of a small melon rolled towards the front of the drawer. Surely Ezio didn't keep toys in his desk. He reached down and grabbed the object and looked at it with a frown. Ottavio rolled it between his palms as he went back to the paperwork with a frown. The door swung open and Ottavio yelped as a golden glow enveloped him. Fausto's mouth had fallen open upon seeing one Ottavio turn into five. "Mio Dio! Ottavio this is exactly why Master told us not to touch anything!" Ottavio barely heard him because he could only stare in shock at the four Ottavios staring back at him. Ottavio reached up and viciously pinched the closest Ottavio's arm. He yelped and scowled darkly at his assailant. "Oi, what was that for idiota!" Fausto sidled over and stood behind the original Ottavio who was still holding the apple. "What did you do! How do we fix it!" All of the clones turned towards Fausto and grinned under their masks, "We don't want it fixed!" They proceeded to run out of the office at top speed.

Fausto grabbed Ottavio by his collar and shook him violently. "Mio Dio Ottavio! We have to fix this before Master returns from his trip!" The door slammed open against the wall again revealing Affonso, "Dammit Fausto! When I find Ottavio I'm going to oh… he's here, but WAIT! He just… what's going on here!" Fausto turned, still shaking a stunned Ottavio, and scowled. "I don't know exactly, but I will _not_ be demoted because of this stupid stunt!" Fausto dropped Ottavio as Affonso stalked over and glared down at the masked assassin. "How dare you touch my hair idiota!" The strong rose scent emanating from Affonso seemed to bring Ottavio to his senses. "I think I just saw four of me." He looked at the apple clenched in his hand and then dropped it as if he had been burned. "That doesn't matter now, we have to figure out how to make them go away before Master gets back!" Fausto growled and began to pace trying to think of a way to fix this new issue. Affonso looked thoughtful, "I think that if we get separated we will need to have a way to know whether or not we are speaking to our Ottavio. Like a codeword or something."

"That's a great idea Affonso! When you see me I will tell you my name is Adonis." Ottavio grinned brightly as Affonso scowled in his direction. "That would be my name idiota. Get your own!" Ottavio shook his head. "No, it's perfect because they will never see it coming." Fausto nodded in agreement, "No matter the codeword we need to get out of here now. One Ottavio is bad, but _five_…" Fausto shuddered. "I'm not that bad." Both Fausto and Affonso stared at him as if to say 'you're kidding right?' The masked assassin scowled at them darkly. "Where should we start?" Affonso smiled, "I believe I will start over at the Rosa in Fiore." And before his partners could protest, Affonso was out the door. "Er okay, what do you feel like doing at this moment?" Fausto asked Ottavio while rubbing his chin. "Well, I was thinking about going for a ride on Brutus, why?" Fausto's eyebrow twitched. "You do realize that Brutus is _my_ horse, right?" Ottavio smiled brightly under his mask, "I know, but Mami is so difficult to handle that I'd rather not ride her around Roma." Fausto shook his head as he pushed the assassin out of the office.

They ran for the stables hoping that they weren't too late to spare their mounts from the new Ottavios. They stumbled onto the amusing scene of two Ottavios fighting over a saddle blanket. "Oi! I want to ride Brutus! You ride Mami. I think she likes you better." The first Ottavio growled at the second. One glance at Mami revealed a very confused and unhappy horse. Brutus didn't look much better, he was looking back and forth at the two Ottavios fighting over his blanket. A whine from the stalls revealed that Ezio was awake and probably thought he was still dreaming. The fight ended with the first Ottavio getting the gear onto Brutus's back and riding the dark bay out into Rome nearly trampling Fausto in the process. The second Ottavio fought with Mami and eventually mounted up and followed after yelling for the first to stop and switch horses. Fausto looked up from the floor where he was being licked by Ezio. "Ottavio, what else do you feel like doing since that lead us right to some of your doppelgangers." Ottavio shook his head, "I can't explain it, have you ever just wanted to think about nothing, but think about everything at the same time?" Fausto glared at Ottavio for a long moment. "That helps us… how?" Ottavio frowned in thought. "I know! When I want to just sit and think, I grab a bottle of wine and sit in my room." Ottavio started for his room and pulled out his key, while Fausto scooped the puppy up to bring him along.

The door was partly open when the two assassins arrived. They slipped in and found an Ottavio unconscious on the bed with a bottle of wine in hand and more bottles scattered around the floor. "I didn't realize that you were such an alcoholic, mi amico." Fausto muttered. "I'm really not… So how exactly do we get rid of him?" Ottavio leaned over the drunken assassin frowning under his mask. "Why exactly _does_ your face look like that?" Ottavio didn't answer Fausto's question as he grabbed his mace fully prepared to squish the unconscious assassin. "H-hey? Are you sure that'll work?" Fausto grabbed the mace to keep Ottavio from being too hasty. "Well, no. It's just something about his drunken face really makes me want to… squish it." With a jerk Ottavio pulled his mace from Fausto's grip and swung. A satisfying crunch accompanied a blood splatter as golden light erupted from Ottavio and his clone. When it faded, the real Ottavio was standing with a surprised look on his face. "I feel a little dizzy." He blinked a few times and looked over at Fausto. "I think I know where to find the fourth one."

Without horses the run to Leonardo's workshop seemed to take forever. Ezio bounded happily alongside the novices as they feared the worst. "You don't think he'll tell the master about this, do you?" Fausto snorted at Ottavio's question. "If he doesn't I will." Ottavio scowled darkly at Fausto then skidded to a stop. Fausto nearly tripped at the sudden stop, but followed Ottavio's gaze to see Affonso's brothel of choice not far away. "Let's go get Affonso. He has a horse so he can help us round up the other two Ottavios. The two assassins made their way over to the Rosa in Fiore. The brothel was very busy at such an early hour in the day, but the assassins were certain they could find their partner.

The sheer amount of people in the brothel completely covered any possibility of finding Affonso by his rose scented oil. They could, however, find him because of his boisterous laugh and loud proclamations of being '_best_ assassin.' They squeezed their way through the crowd to find Affonso lounging on a settee like a king with courtesans all around him as he told stories of his life as an assassin. Fausto and Ottavio walked over and plucked him from his chair. They proceeded to remove him from the Rosa in Fiore despite his loud protests. "What could you two possibly want! I'm investigating!" Fausto shot him a look, "We need you to go get Max and find the two Ottavios that took off through Roma on Brutus and Mami." Affonso immediately puffed up his chest, "Max? No, no, no. The lovely white stallion I ride is Maximillion the grand andalusion. Get it right next time. Perhaps if you two novices took better care of your horses they would not have ridden off with strange doppelgangers." Ottavio glared at him, "They were me! How is that a strange person!" Fausto stopped Ottavio there, "I don't think it's that simple. Ezio noticed something was out of the ordinary when the two guys were fighting over the tack." Ezio barked in response to his name and Fausto bent down to scratch his ears. Affonso struck a heroic pose and smirked, "Have no fear for I, Adonis, will get your horses back and remove those two doppelgangers from existence." Ottavio grinned, "I'm sure you'll enjoy killing them as much as I have." Affonso looked a little surprised, "Kill them? Whatever for?" Fausto shrugged simply, "It's the only way we've found to get rid of them so far."

Affonso shook his head with a knowing grin, "Ah, but why don't you just use the cursed object that brought them into existence." The assassins were silent for a long moment. "This is faster, just cut him down." Affonso looked unsure, but nodded. "I will be on the lookout, where will I find you once I know where they are going?" Ottavio answered immediately. "Leonardo's workshop. We showed you where it is. Find us there." Affonso nodded and ran back towards the guild to prepare his horse. Back on track, Ottavio ran for the workshop that wasn't too far from where they were standing.

Leonardo looked up from his sketch when the door opened revealing Ottavio. "Ah, Ottavio! How good to see you! Where are Fausto, little Ezio, and that new partner of yours… what did he call himself? Adonis?" Ottavio smiled brightly at the painter. "You must mean Affonso. He was busy with some ladies last I saw him. Fausto and Ezio are up at the guild taking care of some things." Leonardo looked disappointed at the news, but he welcomed Ottavio with open arms. "What brings you here today?" Ottavio grinned and opened his mouth to answer, but the door slammed open and he received a hidden blade to the kidney. Leonardo choked and scrambled to his feet. "Mio Dio! Fausto! What are you doing! He is your partner!" The Ottavio began to glow a bright golden and the look on the painter's face went from shock and horror to shock, horror, and realization. Fausto turned to the real Ottavio behind him and grinned, "You're right, that is strangely satisfying." Ottavio nodded as a flustered Leonardo had his hands in his hair, "Boy, what have you done! No, I _know_ what you've done! How could you have found the apple? Ezio said it was safely away from those who might stumble across it." Ottavio frowned in confusion. "I found it in his desk drawer, it was hardly hidden at all." Leonardo sagged into his chair. "That man. He is so careless. Another thing, why were you going through his- oh hello little one." Ezio was pawing at the painter's leg begging for attention. Leonardo scooped the puppy up and cuddled him for a moment. "How many more are there? Ottavios I mean." Fausto frowned a moment before continuing, "There are two more doppelgangers left. Affonso is tracking them down as we speak. Also, could you watch Ezio for us a moment until we get the horses back? I don't think he'll be able to keep up with us on horses just yet." Leonardo nodded and set Ezio down. "Of course I can watch him. You are getting too big to be held little one. Why aren't you tracking the Ottavios down as well?"

"Because the novices let them take their horses." Affonso frowned from the doorway. "I found them by the way. They are on the other side of the city fighting over Brutus." The assassins nodded. "Can _Maximillion_ carry a second rider? He's a large horse so he may be able to." Affonso looked affronted by Fausto's question. "It would be faster yes, but you should go along the rooftops and I will keep them from leaving that area. It would spare my poor Maximillion from such a strain." Before the two could protest Affonso was out the door leaving a rose scent in his wake. Affonso mounted up and kicked his stallion into motion. He was flying through the streets of Rome faster than he had ever gone before. Affonso had never been more thrilled with the stuff he put on his hair to keep it from falling out of place.

Something caught his eye and Affonso pulled his horse up short. A few lovely ladies were walking towards the market and he couldn't help but follow to speak with them. He trotted Maximillion alongside the ladies and called down to them. They all blushed at his dashing good looks. As he spoke to them laying on the charm Affonso missed two shapes running along the rooftops. However, he didn't miss a throwing knife narrowly miss his perfect face and neither did the ladies. They screamed and fled the scene as Affonso spun and glared at the forms of Ottavio and Fausto standing on a roof not too far away. Ottavio was waving frantically as if to say 'the next one won't miss.' With a scowl Affonso kicked his horse into motion towards where he saw the two Ottavios bickering.

With luck the two were still there when Affonso returned to the scene. He looked around and didn't see any sign of the other two just yet. He grinned brightly and sauntered over to the two Ottavios. "Hello boys, what could you _possibly_ be arguing about?" They spun to see him sitting astride Maximillion with a haughty look on his face. He could just see the scowl under their masks and he waited for the attack he knew was coming. "Oi, just let me ride Brutus! I've been fighting with Mami all day!" The first Ottavio's fist connected to the second Ottavio's face. "Alright idiota! I've been holding back, but not anymore!" Affonso watched as the two began to brawl over the large bay standing placidly a few meters away.

"Alright Maximillion, though I dread what this will do to your lovely hooves… trample them." The white stallion daintily stomped all over the two brawling Ottavios. Their blood covered his hooves as they disappeared into golden light. Maximillion sniffed his hooves and snorted in disgust. "Don't worry, I will clean every inch of your hooves tonight." Affonso smiled and patted his horses shoulder. Maximillion tossed his mane as if to say 'you'd better.' Affonso swung out of his saddle and grabbed Mami's bridle so she couldn't snap at him. "You are certainly a handful, Mami." The mare snorted derisively and tried to pull her bridle out of his grasp to no avail. The lengthy ride chasing after Brutus had only made her more ornery. Affonso kept a good eye on her while he waited on his partners to arrive. A snort and a whinny made him look at the other two horses, Maximillion was following closely behind Brutus who was watching the other stallion nervously. The white stallion snorted playfully and Affonso nearly leapt out of the way as Brutus bolted past him to hide behind the much smaller mare. What was that about?

Ottavio and Fausto arrived not long after. Fausto grabbed Brutus's reins with a smile. "Are you alright Brutus?" He didn't get a reply, but he hadn't expected one. Affonso handed Mami off to Ottavio and stepped out of the line of fire. Instead of snapping at Affonso, Mami promptly bit Ottavio. "Ow shit! Mami it wasn't even me that rode you over here!" Ottavio was the last to mount up because Mami circled and fidgeted as he tried to mount. Once on her back she turned and bit his toes viciously. In response Ottavio kicked her nose lightly. They kicked their horses back towards the brotherhood. It would have been a picturesque moment if Mami wasn't throwing her head and circling the entire way down the road. "I'm going to go get Ezio from Leonardo, you two need to run and make sure the office is in order." With a nod the assassins split up and raced for their respective destinations.

Upon arrival the office was just as they had left it. Ottavio absolutely refused to touch the apple so they left it where it was on the floor until they could come up with a way to move it without actually touching it."Hey! Why do you make more money than me Ottavio! I am _best_ assassin! I should easily make more than you." Ottavio looked up at Affonso for a long moment. "You do realize that I'm a rank above you right? So, of course I make more money." Before Affonso could answer a frazzled Fausto appeared with an excited puppy in tow. "Is everything just as he left it?" The lower rank novices shook their heads and looked pointedly at the apple sitting innocently on the floor next to the desk. A quick look around the room revealed many book cases and the assassins all grinned as the idea struck them.

Ezio arrived late that evening from Monteriggioni. He was tired and he couldn't shake the feeling that his brothers had made a total mess of things. The walk down the hallway to his office had never seemed quite so long before. Standing outside the doors was a vigilant Fausto. Upon seeing Ezio a look crossed the master novices face. Ezio frowned was that a look of fear? "Welcome back Master. How was your trip?" Ezio nodded in greeting and looked suspiciously at his office doors. "It went well, brother. I was taking a day to make sure all the dead were buried after the attack on my home." Fausto's face fell, "I'm sorry Master. I didn't know you had lost your home." Ezio waved his hand dismissing the assassin, "It's all right, you and your partners have done well. You may go now until tomorrow when you will report on anything that happened during my absence." Fausto's back stiffened as he gave a small bow, "Yes, good night master." Fausto fled as Ezio opened the door to his study. He looked around and nothing seemed to be out of place. Had he been imagining Fausto looking nervous? He settled down into his chair and his boots bumped something next to his desk. A quick glance down revealed a small fortress of books. After removing the top two books Ezio blanched at the sight of the Apple of Eden sitting innocently on the floor. He would be having a serious talk with those three about following orders tomorrow.


End file.
